Thursday, December 23, 2010

When the Fog Was Lifted

If you missed the last post I would encourage you to read it "Why the Fog Rolled in ... it's the foundation for what happens next.

As we walked forward healing and trying to figure out why God would reopen a wound, for one of the first times in my life I was totally content with our PB&J (Parker, Brooke, and Jonas). I wrestled with the desire for more and feeling peace that he had already granted us the miracle we had dreamed of. After 7 years, God finally had answered our prayers and was that enough? I'm not going to lie... when a few friends told me they were pregnant during this time it was sooooo hard. I would have the thought "why not me Lord?" then I would quickly say to myself "because you have a different plan for me."
In the end of October I went away for a friend's baby shower. It was so nice to see my long time best friends. Don't you just love those friends you have just so much history with, it gives you security. We went to this yummy breakfast place and I felt weird after I ate... I had heartburn... I have never had heartburn. Then later that night something didn't feel right. I shrugged it off as just something I ate that didn't agree with me. On Sunday was the baby shower... my mind started to race. I took a sip of mimosa and felt sick... what could this be? I didn't want to go there... there's just no way... I tried to push the thoughts away but inside was freaking out. Later that afternoon my friends dropped me off at the airport. I couldn't take it and it hit me like a ton of bricks... I wanted to find a pregnancy test just so I can have peace of mind. Just to let you know, the airport does not sell them...I looked everywhere like I was doing something wrong, I felt like everyone knew what I was looking for!

I got home to tuck the kids into bed and then I hit the sack... I was wiped without sharing any of it with Scott. The next morning I couldn't stand it, I dropped the kids off at school and went straight to CVS (same one) bought the same box but only took one test this time... Jonas again looking up at me like mom why are we here again? Within minutes DARK pink lines comes... OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH!!!! I couldn't believe it!! How could this be? my body was still healing and never in a million years would I think a month later we would be pregnant after it taking over 7 YEARS(if you didn't know, we used in vitro with the twins) Within an hour of excitement the fear sunk in. It was like a huge gush of wind knocked my breath out and I wanted to be guarded from the hurt of it happening again. I avoided talking to Scott all day as I wanted to surprise him when he got home from work.

I had the kids make a sign that said We Are Pregnant (since they can't read, I told them it said "Welcome Home Daddy" haha!) We always know when he gets home from work because our dog Lucky hears his car pull up and freaks out at the door. So we were all in position... Parker holding WE, Brooke holding ARE, and Jonas holding PREGNANT... upside down of course! He walked in and saw us and his jaw dropped "REALLY??" he said. The kids started screaming welcome home daddy over and over.. haha I told him they didn't know really what it said..

He was shocked, stunned, but excited.. he was much more confident that everything would be ok but I know he was nervous also. Two days later we went to see the Dr. and do blood work. My numbers came back later the next day they were so high... YEAH God!!! We were still guarded and not telling anyone... for the next few weeks I was surrendering and pleading with God for this baby to be ok. I was in a complete fog feeling exhausted and just holding my breath that everything was ok. For every symptom I was having I would just thank God for one more day being pregnant. It was rough and hard and days seemed so long. I avoided friends because we weren't telling yet...I was worried more than ever and it was definitely testing my strength. I was counting down the days to see a heartbeat. Nov 15th was the day I will forever remember, I was 7 weeks pregnant we went to the Doctor's appointment, Jonas was with us... and we for the first time saw our baby's heartbeat. It was beautiful, just amazing seeing this little baby inside growing with one strong heartbeat! PRAISE JESUS!!! In my mind I was officially pregnant!! It was real... our dreams have finally come true, we were able to get pregnant on our own with a healthy baby! PRAISE JESUS! His timing is always perfect!

Don't get me wrong, it was a mental struggle to get here... not at all what I imagined it to be. Telling friends and family that have known our struggles make it so real. There are just so many that have prayed for us over the years. I could finally give all the Glory to God that he deserves. So for you out there that have had infertility issues, hang on as God is working ... even you could have a miracle story like us someday!!


The Pendrak's said...

So VERY excited for all of you and continuing to pray for the great plans that God has for your precious family!!

Kendra said...

crying from your post....I cry about everything as of late. :0) Congratulations on your sweet gift from God. He's always working His miracles, huh?

Melanie said...

Oh Heidi! My heart was broken after reading the last one...but this one....How I was so filled with joy for you and your husband. Watching the heartbeat makes everything so real. I am so happy for you and can't wait to read how it all unfolds and about the beautiful life added to your family.
Much Love, Melanie

JJ said...

So amazing. God is good. Our Mehret Honor is our miracle baby! She is 3.5 months old now. I am so happy for you guys and pray that everything continues to go smoothly. I can't wait to see updates, maybe some baby bump pictures??